If you missed last week’s recap, get all caught up by going here ——> Hometown Dates
Welcome back Bachelor fans! We’re down to the final three: Courtney, Lindzi and Nicki. And thank the Lord this BEN-ture is almost over because this season makes me want to punch a baby!
This week, they’re in Interlaken, Switzerland (and really who can blame them! If you’ve never been to Bahlmer’s, you gotta get there!) I cringe at the thought of Ben in lederhosen and the women in Swiss Miss attire. But the truth is, if Ben starts yodeling, he just may be mistaken for Heidi.
Ben sucks up time recapping what transpired last week and how he’s feeling about the remaining three. When Ben refers to Nicki as the “black horse,” I’m positive Lindzi is somewhere nearby stomping her hooves. In fact, I hear her neigh off-camera.
Of Lindzi, Ben admits that she makes him very happy. He says he might be falling in love with Lindzi.
But, there is no denying a “weird magical force” that continues to pull Ben to Courtney. Uh, let me guess Ben? Is this magical force you speak of her vagina by any chance? HA! Ben says, “Courtney is extremely unique. I like that she’s a little nerdy.” Hey Ben, if by “nerdy” you mean psychotic then yes, I see it, too! And keep in mind Ben, Switzerland is known for Swiss knives. While you’re slicing cheese for a picnic, she just might slice your head off — making you a “Has-Ben.”
Okay, enough of the walk down memory lane. Welcome to Switzerland, rose lovers. Let’s find out what happens in “Pound Town.” Err, I mean on Fantasy Suite night:
Side Note: The Uncyclopedia reports that if you say the word “Swizz” softly and sensuously to yourself (like a love song whispered into your ear by a Nubian princess), while rubbing your armpits gingerly like someone who has used deodorant which is far too strong, it will cure even the most malodorous case of gout. Give it a shot.
Nicki is “up” first. This is never a good sign. First to show up is generally the first to depart, no? Time will tell. But in an astonishing move by ABC, they hire a helicopter to transport the duo for a scenic tour. WHAT? A helicopter? You’ve really outdone yourselves here, producers. For the nine hundredth time this season! While in flight, Ben says his “relationship is going to new heights.” Seriously Ben? Did you really just say that? Hey Ben, why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!” Way to keep it corny, Mr. Flajnik. You just keep that “up,” brother and I might throw in a few more dumb jokes to level this playing field.
As they ascended over the Swiss Alps, I can’t help but pray they cross over a glacier and we see Kasey still standing atop the mountain, clinching his tattooed wrist, saying he will guard and protect their helicopter. Sadly, my dreams were dashed.
Nicki tells Ben how much she cares about him and that her feelings are at an all-time “high” for Ben. Really you two? This is getting “high”-larious!
Ben presents Nicki with a “Do Me Date Card” in hopes Nicki will stay the night. “It feels like we’re continuing our love story,” Ben says. Which is just a polite way of saying, “I am going to get some.”
The two talk about the possibility of “merging” their lives together (wink wink). She says she sees herself living and working with Ben in Sonoma. So she asks him how many kids he wants. Being the winery owner that he is, he responds with, “A barrel or two.”
Next up, Lindzi and Ben go rappelling. And Lindzi’s wardrobe makes perfect sense because I often rappel in a crocheted sweater and over the knee boots!?! Sheesh! “Cut the line, Hans! Cut the line!”
Ben and Lindzi slide deep into a gorge (that’s not a euphemism). Although, Ben does admit that he wants to get to a “vulnerable state” with Lindzi. And by vulnerable, of course he means naked.
Ben and Lindzi relocate to a hot tub conveniently located steps away. Lindzi reminds us that she got dumped. “You’ve opened up,” Ben observes. “I love Lindzi!” gushes Ben, though it’s pretty unclear whether he means “love” like one loves a spouse or “love” like a pig loves not being bacon.
At any rate, they head to dinner where Ben tries to class up his horny 15-year old personality with a bow tie. Eeks. I suppose that’s just to foreshadow that tonight the two will “tie one on” on a puffy bed. But before we get to that, there’s more talk of “walls” and “vulnerability” and “defense mechanisms” over dinner. To which Ben hands over the fantasy date card.
It reads: Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to enter the female vagina. Err, I mean fantasy suite.
Lindzi agrees, but not before assuring Ben of her purity: “Normally I don’t just, you know, go spend the night with anyone.” But for that comically crooked bowtie, and because tonight I feel like being a hooker, I’ll make an exception! After touring their enormous suite, Ben and Lindzi plunk themselves awkwardly on the bed and make out until Ben shuts the door in America’s face.
P.S. Have these women NEVER seen this show before? Why do they always act surprised when they are handed over an invitation to bump uglies?
Next up: That awkward moment when Courtney accepts the fantasy card and Ben finally finds the 666 stamped on her lady bits.
Last but not least, Courtney reunites (in a matching pea coat no less), with Ben for what he describes as a “very Swiss date.” Oh goodie! Does that mean we’ll see Courtney popping out of her cuckoo clock at noon?
Courtney tells the cameras that she feels bad for treating the girls poorly. Everyone watching the show rolls their eyes in unison. Courtney starts crying and says she has a “dark cloud over her.” Yes, and we are all just waiting for the lightening to strike, Whoretney.
The two cuckoo birds sit down for a picnic in a field among the cows. Courtney talks about the way she treated the women, and Ben stammers and quickly changes the subject.
Next, the two head down into a wine cellar. Ben uncorks the wine. Courtney uncorks something entirely different. Courtney says she had her guard up. Simultaneously, however, she had her pants down.
She tells Ben she worries that he thinks she’s been fake. “I think I’ve been totally immature at times, and looking back, I would have done things differently,” says Courtney apologetically. Ben says he’s relieved that Courtney apologized, and he offers her the fantasy suite invitation.
Then they head to a two-seater hot tub. Just Ben and Satan. The two proceed to grope each other in a midget-sized hot tub.
The show is interrupted to bring back Emily Maynard, the next Bachelorette. The blatant bachelor advertisement for Titanic 3D does wonders to completely diminish my desire to see the movie. As well as destroy any desire to wear a skin-tight cocktail dress to the movies. Nice work, ladies. Oh, and yes Ashley, to your point, the lovers in Titanic had the “perfect relationship.” So perfect that one partner drowns at the end? That’s less than ideal, toots.
The next day, Ben forgets to tell his hair that it’s on national television. But while he’s thinking about his life, an ex-contestant shows up at the door. Yep, Kacie B shows up to give Ben baton lessons.
Ben says their backgrounds are too different and he couldn’t give her all the things she would need from him. What? Like kids with good hair? “I want you to be so happy,” Kacie sniffles. “I don’t know what to say,” Ben answers. How about, “Kacie, please go home and let me get my freak on!”
And to that, Kacie walks out the hotel room. And in the most dramatic move in Bachelor history, she lays down on the hotel floor. On the floor? That’s grosser than the Bachelor hot tub!
Kacie’s convo leaves Ben at a loss. Ben is conflicted. And so are his bangs. Based on his hair alone, Ben should be wearing a Stussy shirt, Jncos and Airwalks and listening to 311.
As they enter the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison asks Ben, “Where’s your head?” Wait, is that a trick question? It’s obviously lodged up his bottom somewhere. Ben’s confused. Yes, three overnight hookups in a row can do that to you, buddy!
Ben and Chris Harrison talk about Ben’s concerns. Harrison asks if he wants Kacie to return to the rose ceremony, but Ben says that would be “too much” considering the women he already has. Ben stares at photos of the women for a while, saying he can see a life with all of them. Have you considered a life in Utah, Ben?
Chris Harrison says this is “essentially, the last rose ceremony,” because the next step will be Ben selecting his potential future wife. Chris mentions Ben getting down on one knee. Which is kind of odd considering Courtney has been down on both her knees the whole season!
Ben gives the first rose to Lindzi. The second and final rose goes to Courtney, who is wearing a dress made of black doilies.
Nicki is sent home.
So long Nicki. She weeps as he escorts her out. “It has nothing to do with you. I want you to know that your gentleness, your kindness doesn’t go unnoticed. I’ve enjoyed every single moment I’ve shared with you. I even cried a little bit, I’m not going to lie. But I started to have doubts. And you deserve everything.” Translation: My penis dreams of a life with a super model!
Nicki leaves in a limo. And in a toga.
As the car drives off, we hear Nicki say that she’s “never been in love with someone who hasn’t loved her back.” Really? Hey, Nicki please look up “the teenage years.”
Nicki’s exit was sad and all but all I could think was, “Hey girl, before you go — where did you get that nail polish?”
Lastly, Ben tells the two remaining “ladies” that they will be going to meet his family in a remote village in Switzerland. But first, next week is the “Women Tell All” special, which will feature plenty of surprises and cat fights as the women return to confront Ben’s hair. Err, I mean his face.
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