Brad Kronen’s 2012 Valentine Horoscopes
Cancer, Leo, Virgo
For those needing to bask in even more love after reading your sign’s Love scope, click on the Slideshow to see Brad’s specially appointed Love image for every sign of the Zodiac!
Hello Love Fools!
On the Battlefield which Love is A, did you know Venus is not the supreme officer d’amour? The planet named after the goddess of Love actually reports to a superior where anything Lovealicious is concerned. In astrology, the Commander and Chief of that powerful force otherwise known as L-O-V-E is a heavenly body which outranks Venus since it is categorized as her “higher octave” –
Allow me to sexily explain……
Venus is the hands-on experience of Love. She is behind whatever skirt or shirt (real time, not blow up kind) you are currently in love/in lust with. Venus deals with any kind of amorous groove that is in the immediate here and now.
Venus’ higher octave, Neptune, takes the “du Jour” out of “L’amour” by power lifting Love wayyyy up on an idealized platform. Romantically, Neptune deals with those beings who are your ultimate fantasy or whom you should ultimately end up with, should your inner you end up being the best it can be. But Romance is merely one aspect to Neptune’s powerful Love pull. The 2nd furthest planet in our Solar System deals with Love in all of its cosmically spiritual glory!
Venus = Love
Neptune = LOVE
2012 is a momentous year since Neptune will be entering the sign that it rules naturally, Pisces, come this February 4th, and will be swimming in the sign that easily gets wet for the next 14 years!
What does that mean for all you love starved animals?
If Venus is being in love, Neptune is BIG LOVE. Beginning February 4th and the 14 years following, with Neptune’s passage through the sign of its rulership, Pisces, a rare window of astrological opportunity shall open, allowing us all a chance to tap directly into that powerful force of Cosmic Big Love which is both Unconditional and Universal. That strongest of all energies which not only binds us to each other as The Brotherhood of Man (and Woman) but also connects we humans to every living being within this galaxy and throughout all the Universe.
Valentine’s Day of 2012, (aka February 14th) is a special date on the cosmic calendar where tradition has it, each of us can affirm the presence of Love in our lives. This upcoming Day D’amour is also a marker for our souls to begin formulating their highest cosmic aspirations and best optimal goals so that over these next 14 years, as the supreme commander of Cosmic Love glides through the waters of its natural rulership, the force of Big Love has the potential to enfold each of us into the ocean of well being and the sea of spiritual connectedness whose waters flow through The Universe at large.
Each sign’s horoscope will map out where Brad thinks you should be looking for “Love” (Venus’ placement in the heavens on February 14th), and as a final glop of icing on your sign’s erotic cake, Brad will also be your Love Traffic Controller by pointing your sign towards its own specialized version of “Big Love” as well (Neptune’s positioning in the Heavens for each sign over the next decade and a half).
All 12 scopes will conclude by addressing each sign when they are “in love” – Venus’ positioning for this upcoming Valentine’s Day, as well as when each sign is in “BIG LOVE” – Neptune’s positioning in Pisces for the next 14 years.
HAPPY VD LOVE FOOLS!
Should any of you need further romantic inspiration, I direct your view to scroll over to the upper left corner of this article, to the lower of the 2 pictures indicating the slideshow accompanyng this written piece of Love. It’s a close up shot of a wall mural inside one of Brad’s favorite buildings, The Secessionist Building in Vienna. The mural is called “The Beethoven Frieze” by the great Secessionist artist, Gustav Klimt. It commemorates the last movement of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony when the chorus sings “Diesen Kuss der Ganzen Welt!” “We give this Kiss to the entire World!”. Klimt captured this idealized kiss which Brad takes a step further, describing the image as “Big Love Sucking Face”.
June 21st – July 21st
Let’s start with a curved beach ball. Did you know a new species of crab was just discovered, Cancer? They live 2 miles beneath the southern most waters near The South Pole, are a ghostly pure white due to no exposure to the Sun, and that isn’t even the best part! These newest creatures added to Man’s Animal Kingdom are nicknamed “Hoff Crabs”, in honor of one of your very own, that beach combing Crab known the world over for his all-over-body hair, fellow Cancerian, David “My chest is actually astro-turf” Hasselhoff. This unique species of Yeti crab, first observed by we humans in mid-January of 2012, resides in deep sea communities of 600 crabs per meter directly over hydrothermic vents on the Antarctic Ocean floor and has hairs all over their alabaster abdomens, deriving nutrients from the microbes which burrow on and amongst their manly man, excuse me! crabby crab chest follicles.
For those Cancerians who are attempting to sidle away from me in as quick a getaway backwards motion while smiling far, far, too hard – hold off on my personalized straightjacket fitting just quite yet, there is a method to my madness! True, The Valentine’s scope for your sign opens with a most non-Romantic mention of creepily pale deep sea creatures who have an abundance of chest hair and are being named after a C-List actor who mysteriously is the sole object of all of Germany’s affections, but this wasn’t all just said for the sheer purpose of revealing my reject status by your planetary ruler and displaying any kind of Brad-blatant lunacy. The discovery of the Hoff crabs in parts of the globe which were hitherto considered unhospitable to Life, synchronically falls right into cosmic place with The Planet of the Watery Depths, Neptune, about to deep sea dive into its own watery element and ruling sign of Pisces this February 4th for the next 14 years.
But I ebb ahead of my Sea self…
Like your sign’s element which is structure-less and shall not be contained, the gist of this watery horoscope shall now shift currents and flow towards the non-linear discussion of the astrological climate for The Sign of The Crab on Love’s Special Day. The Goddess of Romance and All Things Lovey Dovey, Venus, will be shining in Cancer’s House of Career and Work Place this upcoming Valentine’s Day.
For you single Crabs, guy or girl, your secret Romantic weapon of Mass Destruction is the fact you homebodies of the Zodiac are naturally great cooks. So if you have a budding crush on that recently added to the roster hottie of a co-worker a few cubicles down, whip up your most scrumptious Valentine baked good made completely with love (mixed with a few generous sprinklings of lust). With that kind of bait, you single Sea creatures will be reeling them in, in no time! For you committed Crabs, seeing that you all are such impressive chefs and that you probably cook at your home stead quite often for both your crabby selves as well as for your significant other, how about shaking things up this year? Be picked up from work by your ball and chain and let yourself be wined and dined out on the town this February 14th, Cancer!
The non-sensical tides of Bay Watch now wash us down the deep sea drain, back to the non-linear, hairy chested kingdom of The Lord of The Watery Depths…
The watery planet, otherwise known as Neptune, entering its ruling sign which is watery based on February 4th will strongly affect all of the water signs quite keenly over the next 14 years.The water signs inherently react to the outside world with their emotions. Not only should every water sign feel Neptune’s influence in whichever House The Lord of The Watery Depths will be stationed in for their particular sign, but along with their emotions being heightened, so too should every watered one feel their inherent sense of intuition significantly grow during this super saturated upcoming decade and a half as well.
Up until this cosmic freeze frame of non-linear time, Cancer’s specialized forte in the open waters of intuition was a honed sensitivity to “the pulse of the public”.
But the Tides, they’re a changin’, my Crabs.
Through the discovery of an entirely new, never yet known species of your sign’s animal symbology right as The Planet of The Watery Depths is about to take its big sea dip may be The Universe’s big hint, informing all of us the Cancerian forte of intuition may be morphing into a water signed ability/gift/talent which is entirely new and untapped within each of you Moon children, yet still flows from a source more ancient than Time itself.
Cancer’s particular outlet to experience the connectedness of Big Love for the next 14 years is through their House of Faith. Allow this mysteriously morphing, wonderously new intuitive ability to wash over and unfold before each of you over the next decade and a half, my Crabs. Have faith that your newly sprouting intuitive chest hairs will be serving all of us in some big pictured Cosmic way other than just making you watery ones feel more marine life macho and maritime manly.
*Get a first time glimpse of the newest members of the Crustacean Family, my Crabs, by scrolling to the upper left corner of this article and clicking on the piece’s visual slide show!*
When a Cancer is in love, their work feels like Home. When a Cancer is in Big Love, their newly discovered intuitive ability both expands their world as well as brings them cosmicly closer to Home.
July 22nd – August 22nd
“Score”. “Get Lucky”. ”Hitting it big”.
These words used to have an immediate connotation to a particular “Love act”, and when I say “Love” I really mean Sex in all of its filthy, but genuinely arousing power.
…that is, until this year, Leo.
Before I drain all the dirty, lust-filled fun out of The Lion’s upcoming Day D’amour, some flame dousing, astrological background info needs to be thrown on that brightly lit, stoked by the burning coals of Passion, Valentined Camp Fire, first.
My Big Cats, yours is not the only sign nominated for a Zodiacal Award for Best Melodramatic Firey One in a particularly challenging and highly unmotivated life cycle (such as the current one we are in). All parties born beneath the element of Fire (meaning Aries and Sagittarius included), and not just Lord and Lady Crybaby of the Zodiac (Pssst, Leo that meant You) have had a rough go of things, and not just of late but further back into the recent past as well.
For you Lions, the trouble all began back in 2005, when the planet I am totally tight with whom I can call the Lord of Karma, but the rest of you can address only as Saturn, entered the Sign of the Feline and camped his bony old ass smack dab in the middle of every Lion’s pride until the end of 2007! Since you fixed kitties are the members of the Family of Flame which take the longest to adjust to even the slightest fluctuations of change, The Leo was still rubbing the debris out of their big lashed eyes from the bombs of all encompassing change Saturn had dropped into the lap of every lion from the autumn of 2005 to the fall of 2007, only to stumble into some of the longest anti-fiery astrological climates in recent memory!
Nearly 80% of that calendar year which shall be nameless to Fire Signs (Hint: 2010) had the planets which are fiery in foundation, namely Mars and Jupiter, traversing through the Heavens in retrograde, or backwards motion. This in turn was proceeded by the last quarter of 2011 having its own extended Jupiter retrograde and if that wasn’t enough to make all of you leap through the flame-extinguished hoops of unmotivated madness, Mars is currently in its own retrograde cycle which began on January 24th lasting all the way until the 14th….of April.
Why so very vexing, especially for you, my Royal Drama Kings and Queens?
The fire signs are action oriented. Those born under the element of fire are happiest when they are in the process of action, or “doing things”. When the fiery based planets are in backwards or retrograde motion, the fire sign’s core energies sputter down to the barest of flickers, leaving them unmotivated, listless, and indecisive. These unfiery results could, in turn, become intensely frustrating, which could lead the fire sign to try to remedy the situation by forcing themselves to be busier than ever before.
Big Cosmic no no.
One more key factor remains to be thrown into this mix of unmotivated uninspiration, my Zodiacal monarchs. Mars is the planet of the body, hence one’s overall energy levels experienced by the physical body are under The Red Planet’s domain – including one that might get in the way just a smidge this Valentine’s: it’s the only eyebrow raising, dirty 3 letter word out there, SEX.
Forget energy levels, when a Leo feels as if they are not looking their utmost, big haired, sexy best – they are NOWHERE to be found! Leonine pride is probably the biggest key factor as to whether or not the bedroom doorknob is even remotely approximated in the sex lives of those born under this adoration addicted sign.
For you non-members of the Big Cat Family, if a Leo ain’t feeling it, try as they might, their partner ain’t getting it.
OK Then, Show’s over folks! Exits are in the back, please watch your step from any rodents that may have adhered to the unmopped floors, Buh-bye now!
Do you actually think I would leave the entire pride of you with such unbright, fire unfriendly tidings, my un-Thunder Cats?
The Queen of Love and Romance, Venus, will be shining in The Leo’s House of Luck this Valentine’s Day. One of the core traits assigned to the House which Leo naturally rules over, the 5th, is not brought up too, too often, due to its addictive ability to generate false hopes as well as its distracting overtones from dealing with the real world at large, but call me Cowardly Lion, now is as good a time as ever to bring up this baby!
Leos are naturally good gamblers. Why this is never broadcasted or well known is because Leos hate to lose. Being naturally competitive, the Leo loves the process of gambling but can’t bear the thought of losing the competition to an inanimate institution better known as, the casino.
But with all listless things previously considered, since Lady Love will be dressed in her best Lady Luck get up this Valentine’s, you currently unlucky at overall Life Lions may be stunned at how such dramatic settings as the casino, the Cities of either the Sin or Atlantic varieties, as well as any of the exploding-with-wealth Indian reservations on the continental U.S. may be the perfect setting on Love’s Big Day for The Leo to transfer all that pent up unmotivation and sexual un-hunger into cold, hard, cash!
Saving the best for last, there is a silver lining amidst those clouds which temporarily cover the sign whose planetary ruler is the very Sun itself. Of the 12, Leo is the sign who stands to benefit the most from their particular outlet of Big Love, given that Neptune will be gliding through The Lion’s House of Transformation beginning on February 4th and for the 14 years following.
With everything said about the challenging difficulties The Leo has been through as of late, the key is to not let those hardships rule over the Royal Rulers of the Zodiac, my Lions! Does the Leo walk around with a chip on his shoulder the size of Sin City, or worse, take their inner pain out with a king sized axe to grind on anyone who should woefully cross their path of ever-constant loud complaint? Or does The Lion strive to retain their inherently sunny disposition and do their best to act with a generosity of heart befitting of their astrologically noble bearing? Those Leos who work on the latter may find those same obstacles and problematic issues which caused them so much heartache at the time of their occurrence are the very things which connect The Lion to their personal source of Big Love by transforming them through the gifts of empathy and sympathetic understanding.
When a Leo is in love, they feel as if they’ve found their lucky star. When a Leo is in Big Love, their star of self love transforms into a super nova of caring for all creatures.
August 23rd – September 22nd
There, I said it, Virgo.
Since your sign is associated with all things virginal, along with taking into consideration the fact the Zodiacal sign of the Harvest Maiden has a sphere of influence which rules over those who dedicate their lives to be of service to others, such as Nuns, the thought of having a frank and open discussion involving the “S” word is just a tad daunting.
However, be rest assured my Vestal ones, Brad is here to break that barrier of Virgoan taboo. If anything, the Virgo needs to be sufficiently updated regarding the astrological climate for Love’s Big Day and more importantly, Night, since both intimately involve, well, you know…
(whispering) that “S” word.
But first, a little subconscious archetypal backdrop needs to be relayed.
The Madonna/Whore Complex
For centuries, the hypocrisy of the male species of human being was best expressed through the “Madonna/Whore Complex”. And no, I’m not referring to Ms. Ciccone. Wait, scratch that, The Material Girl has far too many times been skewered in the middle of these 2 scorchingly dualistic female stereotypes, so actually, Ms. Double Virgo (Ascendant and Moon) Ciccone must be included.
My apologies, my Virgens, for just exhibiting your sign’s behavioral Achilles Heel of digressing a bit too deeply into the literal Virgoan details.
Anyhoo, the best anti-woman weapon dudes have used throughout the ages against the fairer sex has been the previous S word just mentioned. For a good time, night about town, ship to shore, etc guys sought girls who were of a more, shall we say, physically liberated nature but it was this free and easy feminine approach to Life which made these very same girls, Virgen Verboten from either marrying or gasp! meeting Momma.
A guy could tally up the notches on his belt and brag to his buddies about his numerous sexual conquests, all the while judgmentally applying the most inflexible double standard of hypocrisies:
Whores are to have fun with. But Virgens are the ones you take home to Mom and marry.
Ironically, when a woman became a mother (I needn’t provide the details as to how that particular process comes to be), she was elevated to Madonna status, retaining a Virginal like quality by never being looked at, considered, or (Heaven Offend!) pleased in any kind of sexual manner, whatsoever.
Now, let’s take The Madonna/Whore Complex, and make it truly Virgoan through the use of one mere nonsense word:
The silliness behind the dualistic mindset of male hypocrisy was made even more laughable when a British actress born under Virgo’s polar opposite sign of Pisces, appeared on Saturday Night Live in the early 90’s. Keeping in mind Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the planet of duality and quick wit, Piscean Miranda Richardson took the Madonna/Whore complex and made it even more idealistically ludicrous while simultaneously much more uncomfortably real when she appeared as Dieter’s elderly, gentle as a lamb, German mother, as well as the habited Nun from his schoolboy days, along with portraying the adult male’s most perversely depraved yet scorchingly hot, sadomasochisticly taboo’d fantasy whom the hertz schmerz’d artist desperately desires and at the same time, deathly fears in a skit entitled, “Dieter’s Dream”, a genius segment of Mike Myers’ post-post modern comedy series which spoofed German Expressionist Angst, that was simply titled, “Sprockets” (By far, Brad’s most beloved of SNL skits).
The image I chose for Virgo’s Valentine Scope is a freeze frame from the actual Sprockets skit which, even 20 years later, still makes me hyperventilate from laughing too hard every time I see it.
Stiffly seated upright in her starched best Sister Batrille look in the back of an antique Rolls Royce limousine, Miranda Richardson looks like the quintessential Nun whom one can imagine had just recently taken her vows of Chastity, Poverty, and Obedience before demurely getting into the car.
That is, of course, until the slightest bit of Virgoan observation to detail is made.
Upon further analysis, the stereoptyical, cleanly-near-Godly nun is donning clown-like facial make up, which gives the undisputed impression of being the war paint used by only the cheapest of tarts.
During the dream sequence, The Nun blankly looks with a robotic gaze directly at the camera, and says in the most flatlined of monotone inflections, “I’m a Nun.”
The visual perspective then dramatically shifts to the opposite side of the passenger seat of the car, from which S&M sexual goddess/emasculating nightmare, Dominatrix Miranda unabashedly announces with smiling glee directly to the camera’s audience, “I’m a Whore.”, all the while faux pricking her shiny black patent leather gloved fingertips on her gargantuanly sized, cone shaped breasts.
The angle then dizzyingly goes back and forth between the backseated Madonna and Whore, each stereotype re-stating who they are, until their declamatory descriptors are forcibly joined together, forming that most dualisitcly Da-da’d of nonsensical words – WHORENUN.
Why perchance, You worry warts of the Zodiac must at this point be thinking, has Brad dragged everyone uncomfortably down his sentimental stroll down comedy sketch lane?
For verification of your sign’s particular Virgoan version of Venusian vicinity in the Heavens this upcoming Valentine’s Day, my Virginal ones!
The planet named after The Goddess of Love and Romance, Venus, will be shining brightly in The Virgo’s House of SEX, SEXUALITY, SEXUAL ACTIVITY, SEXY UNMENTIONABLES, and let’s see, did I forget to mention anything else on that sexual list?….
O yeah, as a final glopping on every ‘Yet-To-Be-Deflowered” one’s individualized erotic Valentine’s cake this year – SEXUAL PLEASURE.
Earlier, I discussed the silliness behind the Madonna/Whore double standard in regards to its unfair application to women, but the concept of the WhoreNun applies to both male and female Virgoan alike.
Being born beneath one of the 3 karmic signs, (Pisces and Scorpio being the other 2) the soul of every Virgo has an inherent understanding upon entrance into this world that their life cycle this time around will be one best spent in service to others.
With that intrinsic karmic responsibility always deeply rooted in their soul, The Virgo will do the craziest of superhuman things, like strive for perfection or criticize themselves to a bloody pulp should they blame themselves for any given absence of the P word. In turn, The Virgo will over time put their individualized concerns wayyyyyyyyy behind everyone else’s, including any and all pleasantries and satisfactions of any kind, especially those which are SEXUAL.
For many a Virgo, sex is just another form of obligated, catered servicitude where they must fully focus and tend to their partner’s needs at that particular hot and bothered moment in time and where the evening’s activities almost always result in those born under the sign of the cosmic Bleach solitarily cleaning things up after the sex show is over.
And doesn’t that make soul leveled sense, Virgo? After all, only Whores can have unbridled, self concerned pleasure and act with frivolous sexual abandon. Isn’t that correct, my Cosmic Nuns and Mercurial Monks?
Nuns and Monks must internally suffer, grin and bear other people’s blatant deficiencies to detail, and most importantly, must never think of strictly themselves first, or focus on any kind of superfluous triviality such as the pursuit of their own pleasure, especially that which is of a sexual Nun-like nature.
To that, I say, WHORENUN!
Virgo’s outlet of Big Love for the next 14 years is through The Virgin’s House of Partnerships. The path to the Cosmic source of Universal love is truly Zen like for the List Makers of the Zodiac. If the Virgo chooses to remain devoted to that particular Order of the Nuns and Monks of St. Martyr of the Doormat, their partnerships will remain staticly unevolved, since the soul of the Virgo will stay in its state of servitude and their unawakened sense of constant self denial will prevent not even a vapored mistdrop to be felt of the cleansingly crashing waves of Cosmic Big Love.
But, if on this upcoming Valentine’s, The Virgo’s significant other should hear a summons for their presence in the boudiour, where upon their entrance, the Harvest Man or Maiden does not ask, but dominatingly DEMANDS that during Love’s Big Night, they will be each other’s sexual slaves of whorish intimacy and self pursuant pleasure, then prepare for every level of flood gate imaginable to burst naturally open, be they of either the physical or spiritual varities for the duration of that special evening and over the course of the next decade and a half, my former Whorenuns!
When a Virgo is in love, they mirror their partner’s innermost intimate needs.When a Virgo is in Big Love, their partner becomes their mirror of self admiration and inner confidence.