I’ve always been one to keep in touch with my exes. We usually end off on a note of mutual respect and therefore can move forward in cordial friendship. I have many role models for this as most of the older women around me followed this same practice. However, after meeting with my girls at SoCo Lounge, one of brooklyn’s newest hotspots, and having a heart to heart over some margaritas, I was taught why that may not always be the best idea.
Most of the time when you remain friends with an ex, it’s because you still hold some type of love and care for them. You may even flirt with the idea that if they get themselves “together” maybe you guys can make up. But there are times when you may be flirting with danger.
Recently my friend got involved with someone who is not just a casual boyfriend but someone she can build a lasting relationship with (trust me an ex can tell the difference), and of course the ex began to feel threatened. He started acting out, calling every day when she used to barely hear from him, and demanding to see her. Although she knew she wanted to be with her Next, the constant reminder of the Ex slipped her back into old feelings. In the end she didn’t feed into those feelings, but it’s the fact that she was placing herself in the way of temptation instead of avoiding it that was dangerous.
I also had a friend whose boyfriend was still cool with a girl that he had relations with in the past. Grant it this girl was not necessarily a girlfriend, but it was someone that was with him at one point in his life. Once she found this out she gave him the ultimatum to cut ties with this girl, because she felt uncomfortable no matter how long ago they were together. He stood by the fact that she is a good friend, and they got over what they had a long time ago and he wouldn’t just drop a friend. Currently, my friend and her boyfriend are still together and he is still friends with the female. I’m not sure if they found a way to work it out, or if she’s just coping with it. Either way in both instances, Ex-anything seems to spell trouble.
I wanted to get some thought by others on this tricky topic. Sincere, a 27 year old man in a relationship felt there was nothing tricky about this topic. “Plain and simple, there is no need to be in contact or buddies with anyone you were once emotionally and physically involved with because it only spells trouble,” he said. Stacy also 27 years old is not in a relationship but is emotionally involved. Her thought on this matter is it depends on the situation. “If it is a healthy relationship where each of you respects the other’s space and relationship, then a friendship can work. But if the respect is not there, then the ex doesn’t need to be there either.
I recognize that generational gaps may cause for different opinions so I also spoke to a 55 year old vivacious married woman on this subject. In a very nonchalant tone her response was, “Look honey, I am friends with all my exes and my husband is aware and secure. I love him and he is even cool with a few of them. The key to making friends with exes work is simply this, Respect and Trust. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Interesting concept, regardless of the point of view on this matter, it seems the main word in this topic is RESPECT. So if you have an ex that you are cool with, it is smart to discuss with your partner how they feel about that, be honest with yourself why you are keeping contact with that ex, and finally respect your relationship and set boundaries for your ex.
Now I know many people would say, there is no need to tell your partner EVERYthing, and I understand that as well. But when you have that mind frame, just be clear what your true intentions are with your Ex as well as with your Next.
Thanks for taking the time to read and I hope this was some food for thought. Feel free to leave your thoughts on this matter and don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE so you can be notified of new articles. If you have any questions you would like me to answer directly, reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Love is what you make it, so make it something good. Until the next time we meet, Peace and Brooklyn Love…