We have many experiences throught our life when we find ourselves not only seeking answers to those challenges, but seemingly more importantly, others to blame. I soon realized my automatic responses often carried me inward. I had to get to a place of understanding that no matter how difficult the situation, no matter what role others played in my life, regardless of the external factors, my environment, no matter how deeply rooted my desire to assist and take care of the family, no matter how jealous of others, no matter how badly I wanted to be liked and noticed, I still had a choice. I internalized my situation and created automatic responses to the inner voice I answered to. I allowed my truth to be distorted. My truth was all about who I was and not what others thought of me. I told myself that this was the only way. I never challenged it. The unchallenged lie became my truth. I chose to steal for the first time and every other time after that. I became insensitive. I was no longer true to myself. I internalized the messages of favoritism and gave meaning to it. Deep within the core of my being I believed that if I was smart enough I wouldn’t get punished. Countless times this lie proved as my truth. Being smart, intelligent and articulate allowed me to escape punishment. That’s the way it was to me, even if it wasn’t. It was my experience. That is my meaning of truth. I am not a bad person. I made bad choices. I over rid what I knew with what I knew. Knowing why, gave me the power to change and allow God to change me from within and find the real me, live with the real me, love the real me. With a new perspective I see my choices..my path..my life. I no longer allow someone else to define me based on how they perceive me.
Looking back I realize that my earliest childhood memories created a long term effects on my emotional being. A message about how I was to feel about myself, my value, my worth, my strengths and my potential became linked to my reality. I subconsciously allowed it to control my thinking and I always predicted an expected end. Since I am aware of that message I can choose to change it and actively make better choices. My message said “I am a leader…people look to me to be strong and set an example….I must never show my weakness… I must be strong and never show my real self for the rest of my life.” I am chipping away at that self-fulfilling prophesy as I struggle for success. I am reprogramming those thoughts, affirmations and lies unchallenged. I am digging it up only to expose it to light. Where there is light, darkness cannot be present. It is the part that has to be brought captive according to what God had promised. I am a leader. I am chosen to be an example; an example of who is on the inside. I am strong and made perfect in my weakness thought the strength and intimate knowledge of my creator. I am showing my real self for the rest of my life.
I release any other feelings and thoughts as being irrelevant. I am choosing to ask for my sister’s forgiveness and I am forgiving her. She probably never even knew how I felt. It does not mean that she did everything right. It does not mean that I did not feel mistreated. It means that I choose not to be angry or resentful which blocks my peace; my power. I am using my solitude for restoration. I am loving myself and enjoying a love that I never thought possible. The early experiences I had about God were not my own. As a little girl, I did not think that God was fair. I mean, He took my Mommy and Daddy when I needed them the most.
I believe he answered prayers but that was a scary thing to me. I watched Mommy ask God to take away the pain. He did. I felt like he gave it to me. As I got older, I went to church because that was what I was supposed to do. I prayed rehearsed prayers because that was what I was taught. I watched people fall out and call on Jesus and it frightened me. I listened to what the pastor said because he was closer to God than me. I believed, he knew the Bible and I didn’t. God wasn’t fair. In my opinion, he only helped when the pain was so bad, and there was absolutely no other way out. Deep down, I think I anticipated trudging through hell before God would help me into heaven. My picture of the Lord was extremely distorted; a portrait painted by observation; a snapshot of things encountered and events I lived through. I did not know Him as a God of love, peace and protection. I knew Him as selfish, partial and one who inflicted retributive suffering according to His attitude. I am getting acquainted with the creator of the universe. I am learning His supernatural attributes and power. I am annihilating my first mention impressions. I am seeking a clear perception of the truth, a wise attitude and course of action. Wisdom is said to be the principle thing; what Solomon desired above all else. First comes a respectful fear and reverence; contrary to an unpleasantxpectation or anxious concern toward God. I have that. I have reason to believe that He is the same today as He was in Ms. Betty’s basement, as He was at Springfield Baptist Church, as He was when Mommy and Daddy died, as He was when I was abused, as He was when I got baptized, saved and spirit filled, as He was when Dave was killed, as He was at the church on the praise team, and as He was in the courtroom.
I have reason to believe that He has not changed today as I sat in a prison cell, and would have been no different when I walked through the gates and was no longer confined. The same yesterday, today and forever. What is NOT the same is our relationship. I have attained awareness of Him; a new found perspective developed on my own accord, a personal account aside from what ‘they’ said. In Him I am everything I will ever need to be. In Him I am everything I will ever do. In Him I am everything I ever want and need. I am dismissing what he said and she said and I am quiet enough to listen to and follow God’s sweet still voice. I am choosing to hear the voice of my Father and not follow the voice of a stranger. I am no longer afraid or looking for a mysterious force above the clouds. I am receiving His love. Can you contorol your inner self destruction? With God…..ALL things are possible. I guess the answer is yes and Amen.