Infidelity Expert Dr. Ish Major is a “Today Show” correspondent and popular psychiatrist. According to Dr. Ish, “The good news is that cheaters get caught. The bad news is they only get caught after they cheat. Now there’s a test to catch his cheating ways before they start!” That test is a new phone app developed by the good doctor. The spicy Cheater Meter is available in the app store on iTunes and on the website TheCheaterMeter.com.
I got in touch with Dr. Ish, who has also been a guest on FOX and ABC’s “Good Morning America” for his expert opinion on cheating, men and The Cheater Meter. The author of “Little White Whys” revealed that he is hard at work on a new book about the good, bad and ugly of infidelity.
Abiola: Dr. Ish, so good to talk to you. At least once a day I get a letter, tweet or facebook message from a woman asking for relationship advice about cheating. I believe that if a man cheats he will cheat again. What do you think? Once someone has cheated will they always be a cheater?
Ish Major: Yes and no. Once a man cheats he will always be much more likely to cheat again but he may not necessarily do so.
Abiola: Okay. Well, what are the determining factors?
Ish Major: It depends on the reason he cheated and where he was in life at that time. Not all, but most men do mature. If he cheated when he was younger, still in the process of striving and achieving, still searching and figuring out who he was and determining his place in the world but has since come into himself and figured these things out through that maturation process he very well may never cheat again.
But here’s the thing: you can’t stick around and wait on him to mature. Here’s why: A: he won’t respect you for it because he won’t believe you respect yourself. B: he’ll very likely take it for granted that you’ll always be there no matter what he does. There must to be some consequence for his actions. Having that said, if the two of your worlds collide at some point in the future and he truly seems like a changed man then go for it!
Abiola: So he might mature but don’t stick around waiting for it!
Ish Major: Most women are nurturing and very forgiving but be careful because serial cheaters will definitely take advantage of this! That leopard has no reason to change his spots if he believes that no matter what he does you’ll eventually take him back.
Abiola: Once and for all, do you think that monogamy is harder for men?
Ish Major: Once and for all…YES! Men will say, ‘It’s really not our fault’. And here’s why: It’s biological, it’s psychological and it’s social. Biologically men are hard-wired to ensure their bloodlines. We are subconsciously attracted to women who have those physical traits that let us know they’ll be good at bearing children.
Abiola: So what does that have to do with cheating?
Ish Major: Unfortunately that attraction is not specific to any one woman. Men are also genetically ‘hunter/gatherers’. We roam the forest looking for food, clothes and shelter for our family and inevitably come across a damsel in distress. It’s in our nature to ‘help’ her. That’s typically where the boundaries begin to get crossed.
Abiola: So you believe cheating is different for men and women?
Ish Major: Psychologically, and I know women hate to hear this but it’s true, men can quite easily separate sex from love. Men are much better at compartmentalizing emotions than women and can consider sex simply a physical activity with little to no emotional attachment. I know that sounds harsh and maybe even cruel but if you ask guys and they give you an honest answer they’ll say the same.
Abiola: There are women I know who seem to be able to compartmentalize in that way as well.
Ish Major: Guys eat when they’re hungry. Sleep when they’re tired and have sex when they’re feeling frisky. They feel like these are simply needs that need to get met and once they’re met they move on with the rest of their day. Socially, it’s ingrained in men from the age of little boys to be the best, the most popular, the biggest, the strongest, the fastest, the most successful…and to the victor goes the spoils!
Teens and young men are given ‘Atta boys’ and pats on the back when they have multiple girls interested in them. It’s a subconscious sign of his virility. The social trappings of success also send a very loud signal to women that ‘I’m the man who can provide, provide, provide for you like no other man can!’ And again, unfortunately, that signal is non-specific or not confined to just one woman. So men have biological genetic drives that are then reinforced by social values and that leads to the mountain of monogamy being much more difficult for a man to climb than a woman.
Abiola: Thanks, Dr. Ish. We will definitely continue this conversation.
Want more? Find my full interview with Dr. Ish Major on The Passionista Lifestyle Blog and buy “Little White Whys” wherever you buy books. Don’t forget to also snag The Cheater Meter lifestyle phone app and tell me what you think on twitter @abiolatv.
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