It’s just past midwinter here on the coast, and everyone thinks it should be spring already. News that gale force winds will start blowing in tonight, and the prediction of snow and ice at lower elevations, has everyone just a little bit crazy today. Last minute ticket purchases for destinations south and a few packing vans to move permanently from the bone-chilling cold of the Northern Coast remind us that the end-of-February-wish-it-were-spring syndrome has hit town.. In one cafe on Pier 39, the madness broke through the surface in a bout of silliness. For those of you whose sense of humor was arrested at the 4th grade level, this article is for you. Here are some of the silly jokes that had a few of us stir-crazy Astorians laughing ourselves…well, laughing ourselves silly over.
For any ducks offended in the telling of these jokes, I apologize.
From the lame joke repertoire of Tammy von Payens, of Coffee Girl fame:
Question: Where do generals keep their armies?
Answer: In their sleevies.
Question: Why was the bicycle leaning againt the fence?
Answer: Because he was two tired.
From Debbi of Coffee Girl: “Waiter, give me a rubber band but make it snappy.”
“Say you’re a bus driver and you pick up 3 students at one stop, and 5 students at another stop. You let 2 students off at the last stop. How old is the bus driver?”
Answer: You’re the bus driver….”Say you’re the bus driver…” Get it?
Riddle: A man rode into town on Monday, he stayed for 3 days and rode out on Tuesday. How is this possible?
Answer: His horse’s name was Tuesday.
And from Gage, Voodoo bartender extraordianare, a little bar humor.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
This last joke was sent to me by a friend, and has become my new favorite lame joke.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have listened to my diagnosis, your bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, the bill was $150.
Laughter can change our whole experience of life, and yesterday when I heard this joke, I had been having an bad morning. This joke turned my upside down morning rightside up. I hope these lame jokes, told by some of your fellow Astorians, cause you either to laugh or groan, for one way or the other, a lame joke changes the tone.Have a good laugh, embrace the weather, whatever it is, and relax a little. This too shall pass.