I have noticed that my dating track record has not been the best when it comes to successful relationships. It is easy to tell someone else what the problem is with their relationship when you are on the outside looking in. I have more of an objective eye because my own feelings are not involved and I can give the harsh honest truth to those that need to hear it. Unfortunately, when I am the one in the relationship and have all the feelings mixed up in it, I’m not as objective. I think I have made some vast improvements in my dating encounters, but I am still falling short in a lot of areas. At 32 I have tried to practice having more discernment when it comes to the men I choose to get involved with. A little more patience, understanding, and even submissiveness. I think 85% of the men I have dated over the course of my life have been genuinely good men, but for whatever reason they were not the man for me and vice versa. It’s funny because I have actually managed to maintain cordial friendly relationships with most of my exes and wish them all well in their current or future relationships – most of them anyway.
I am by no means looking for perfection. I don’t believe that my standards are too high or unattainable. I just want a good man who loves God and has the same goals as me. I have endured the relationship of being with a man who did not share my same beliefs or goals. In one of our first conversations he told me he had no desire to ever get married or have children. So why did I continue to see this man when I knew those were two very important things that I wanted in my life? I set myself up to eventually catch feelings for this man and further set myself up for a whole lot of heartache and heartbreak.
Lesson #1 ladies: Listen to him! If a man is telling you from the start what his goals, dreams and desires are or are not he means just that. Don’t waste your time on a man who will only hurt and disappoint you in the end. If you think you can change his mind or he will change for you then you are delusional. Even if he does change, believe me it is only for the time being. Just long enough to trap you in a situation that you have to deal with for the rest of your life. If he tells you he doesn’t want to fall in love or has trust issues with women – LISTEN TO HIM! He is not lying. This man does not have any desire or does not know how to be in the relationship that you want. Don’t think you are going to be “THAT ONE” to bring him around. He has to make that decision. I’m not saying there is no hope for him, but it has to be a decision he has made. If he asks you to be patient with him because he wants to get there, then by all means give it a shot. Just don’t hang around for the next 2 years and you are still in the “friend stage.”
Lesson #2 ladies: Watch his actions! Don’t make someone a priority who has made you an option. I have fallen victim to this one on more than one occasion. What you have to understand is that we all have choices. We all do and make time for whatever it is we want to do. When a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains for you. Even if he doesn’t have a car he will get to you by train, bus, bike, or skateboard because he WANTS to. Even the busiest of people make time for the person they love and if they are extremely busy they will ask you to join them. I’ve held on too long to men who didn’t make me a priority. What I did was lead them to believe their behavior was acceptable because I endured it. It was never ok, but I was being patient and understanding…..or was I being stupid and convenient?
Lesson #3 ladies: Pay attention to the signs. If he is not calling you or has nothing to say when you do talk, then his attention may be elsewhere. There really isn’t a need to go snooping around for anything because it will reveal itself to you. There may be another woman or there may just be a lack of interest in you. Whatever the case may be it all leads to you kicking rocks. When you are going through a rough time and he offers no words of encouragement or even a solution – kick rocks. When something is bothering you that he has control over and he doesn’t rectify the situation to make you comfortable – kick rocks. When there is an opportunity to make you feel special and he doesn’t take advantage of it – kick rocks. If he isn’t treating you the way you deserve and desire to be treated – kick rocks. It’s not that he is a bad person; he just isn’t the man for you.
I love hard and I am loyal. It is hard for me to understand why a man does not love me back or want to be with me in the same capacity. I have never been the nagging, arguing type of chick. I cook, clean, I’m smart, have a job, and will stroke that ego. So I am perplexed by any man that lets me get away. I reason that maybe I am too much of a good thing and he is not ready to handle me or he doesn’t think he deserves someone like me. Maybe I’m not as good as I think I am…nah that’s not it. I know I have my faults, but if you can love my faults you should have no problem loving all of me. I don’t know. It’s all ridiculous to me. At the end of the day it ends up being his loss. I can’t lie and say that my patience isn’t running thin. My tolerance level is getting way low. I vent and scream that I’m done with love and this crap is for the birds, but at the end of the day I’m in it for the long haul. I have to be true to myself and my heart. I’m letting you know up front what I’m in this for and if we differ in any way I have to throw up the deuces. On to the next one. Let’s hope he is ready for me. God got my back – No worries.