It’s been quite a week for Chicago sports pariahs, what with the Bears firing their much maligned duo of general manager, Jerry Angelo and offensive coordinator, Mike Martz on Monday. But on top of all that, now the Cubs have managed to trade Carlos Zambrano! What’s next? A winter without snow? Oh wait…
It’s one thing to trade Sean Marshall, a player most teams would want on their roster, but to be able to get rid of Zambrano, a clubhouse cancer only slight less malignant than having say, a galloping Milton Bradley inside your pancreas, makes Cubs president, Theo Epstein, quite simply: the most interesting man in the world!
It did help that the Cubs will still be paying most of Big Z’s contract for this season as he pitches for the Miami Marlins. And the fact that Ozzie Guillen is the Marlins new manager and has an honorary degree in craziness usually reserved for GOP presidential candidates, makes this move more a stroke of luck than genius, when you think about it.
But don’t waste time over thinking this thing, Cubs fans. Simply rejoice that one of your team’s all time biggest scapegoats, although admittedly, not up there with either Steve Bartman or the actual billy goat of Billy Goat’s fame, is gone from your field of bad dreams.
Next, we’ll probably be hearing of Alfonso Soriano’s voluntary retirement. I mean, what else can Theo do for an encore? Reanimate the lifeless statues of Ernie, Billy and Ron and make the ’69 Cubs whole again?
If this keeps up, Chicago North Siders will have to stop using “Jesus Christ!” as an epitaph and replace it with “Theo Epstein!” Is there a vestal virgin anywhere close at hand who can be sacrificed at Theo’s altar? Probably not, as this is still Wrigleyville, ya’ understand.
From a win/loss baseball point of view, a re-energized and re-dedicated Zambrano may help Guillen’s Marlins contend in the NL East Division. But from a Cubs public relations standpoint, this is off the charts, slam dunk, socko-boffo, let’s play two, hey-hey, holy cow, get outta here stuff.
One can only imagine the scene at this month’s Cubs Convention as a line of afflicted fans reach out toward Theo, if only to touch the hem of his garment and have their delusions of day baseball, singing Go, Cubs, Go! and other annoyances fall away liked biblical leprosy. Ronny Woo-Woo will stop speaking in tongues and actually start speaking like a normal adult!
Let the historians record what they will about last year’s Arab Spring. Theo is making this offseason a Cubbie winter to remember.